Spring Break
Flying: It's Not Only For Experienced Pilots Anymore
RidicuList: The Top 10 Things That Fly, But Are Not Planes
John Bailey
Issue date: 5/2/08 Section: Focus
10. Woolly Flying Squirrel
The Woolly Flying Squirrel (Eupetaurus cinerus) is awesome, because it is a squirrel that can also fly. It has something called a "woolly pelage," which looks kind of like "woolly package," and that's pretty cool. Ever wish you were a squirrel? Ever wish you could fly? Ever wish you were awesome? Ever notice how similar all those dreams really are? Q.E.D. man.
9. Chuck Yeager
Chuck Yeager, one could argue, is not a "thing." He is a man, and men are not things. But Chuck Yeager transcends mere manhood. He was the first man to travel faster than sound in an aircraft, the Bell X-1, which stands for "sweet ride that Chuck Yeager picks up all the chicks in." If you were a chick ("chicks" only existed in the early 1950's), Chuck Yeager would totally pick you up. He picks up everyone. He goes so fast.
8. Batman
No, not the Batmobile, and not the Batwing. Batman can fly. If you haven't seen him fly, that's because he wasn't trying to kill you. And he doesn't need any cheeseball "super powers" to do it. If he fought Superman, Superman would lose because killing Batman would break his heart. This is because they are secret lovers. Everyone, secretly, is Batman's secret lover.
7. Gyrocopters
If you've never seen a gyrocopter, you're missing out. They're like tiny helicopters, but they never spray carcinogenic defoliating agents on you, and you can put missiles on them like James Bond in "You Only Live Twice." They fly around like just the cutest little thing, except they're also stupid and ugly. They remind one of days gone by, of simpler days, when all you needed for perfect happiness was your two-seat gyrocopter, a partly cloudy day, a picnic basket, and your little brother Tom. You and Tom travel to the high meadow of your dreams, both phyiscally and metaphorically, in a touching coming-of-age family story that you'll never forget.
6. Hot-Air Balloons
Getting a hot air balloon is tough, but once you've finagled one from your wealthy step-uncle, you're just a top hat, monocle, and handlebar mustache away from the next Presidency. Imagine if someone floated over a presidential rally in a hot air balloon, waving a white-gloved hand and chuckling in their demure Yorkshire accent? "Well, Mr. Balloon Man, what's your platform?" "My platform flies, old chap."
The Woolly Flying Squirrel (Eupetaurus cinerus) is awesome, because it is a squirrel that can also fly. It has something called a "woolly pelage," which looks kind of like "woolly package," and that's pretty cool. Ever wish you were a squirrel? Ever wish you could fly? Ever wish you were awesome? Ever notice how similar all those dreams really are? Q.E.D. man.
9. Chuck Yeager
Chuck Yeager, one could argue, is not a "thing." He is a man, and men are not things. But Chuck Yeager transcends mere manhood. He was the first man to travel faster than sound in an aircraft, the Bell X-1, which stands for "sweet ride that Chuck Yeager picks up all the chicks in." If you were a chick ("chicks" only existed in the early 1950's), Chuck Yeager would totally pick you up. He picks up everyone. He goes so fast.
8. Batman
No, not the Batmobile, and not the Batwing. Batman can fly. If you haven't seen him fly, that's because he wasn't trying to kill you. And he doesn't need any cheeseball "super powers" to do it. If he fought Superman, Superman would lose because killing Batman would break his heart. This is because they are secret lovers. Everyone, secretly, is Batman's secret lover.
7. Gyrocopters
If you've never seen a gyrocopter, you're missing out. They're like tiny helicopters, but they never spray carcinogenic defoliating agents on you, and you can put missiles on them like James Bond in "You Only Live Twice." They fly around like just the cutest little thing, except they're also stupid and ugly. They remind one of days gone by, of simpler days, when all you needed for perfect happiness was your two-seat gyrocopter, a partly cloudy day, a picnic basket, and your little brother Tom. You and Tom travel to the high meadow of your dreams, both phyiscally and metaphorically, in a touching coming-of-age family story that you'll never forget.
6. Hot-Air Balloons
Getting a hot air balloon is tough, but once you've finagled one from your wealthy step-uncle, you're just a top hat, monocle, and handlebar mustache away from the next Presidency. Imagine if someone floated over a presidential rally in a hot air balloon, waving a white-gloved hand and chuckling in their demure Yorkshire accent? "Well, Mr. Balloon Man, what's your platform?" "My platform flies, old chap."
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