Spring Break
Roughing It Culinary-Style In London
John Bailey
Issue date: 6/9/08 Section: Focus
When you live in a tiny London flat, you need to provide for yourself. There is no dining hall to mollycoddle your pasty butt. Tell you what, you need to be a hard man to feed yourself in London. Instead of grocery stores, they just have wolves with loaves of bread strapped to them, and you wrestle the wolves to steal their precious cargo. You have to wrestle the wolves naked. Also, there are no measuring cups in my flat. It's a rough world.
So you've got a few small pots and a stove that you can't turn on. You can't measure quantities, and everything is metric anyway, so it's hard to even guess. What's a man to do? The answer is, as always, wing it. Wing it until it tastes good, or the wolves will get you.
Penne Alla Vodka, Sort Of
You need: Some pasta, ideally penne, but it's up to you. Half a big onion, or a whole small one. A clove or two of garlic. At least a cup of heavy cream, or more if you like delicious cream. A can of chopped tomatoes. Vodka. Red pepper. Salt. A little bit of butter or olive oil.
How you do: Chop the onion and garlic with something sharp. Smaller pieces are better, but it's only important if you hate big nasty pieces of onion, which I do. Once that's done, throw your olive oil/butter in a pot, and heat it until a tossed-in piece of onion sizzles. Dump the rest of the onions and garlic in, and put the heat on low; if the onions are starting to turn brown, it's too hot. Let the mixture cook until the onions get translucent and kind of slimy. But if they end up being crunchy, no big deal, it's cool.
At this point, you should probably make some pasta. You know how to make pasta, right?
Throw the tomatoes and vodka (about one 'glug,' or 'a couple shots,' or whatever - not a lot, you lush) in with the onions, and turn the heat it up until it's just trying to boil. Cut it back to a simmer (like, almost-boiling, just an occasional bubble). Add salt and red pepper and stir everything up. Taste it a couple times while it's simmering, and add a bit more salt or pepper if it needs it. When it tastes "good," chuck the cream in--as much as you like, really, it's impossible to go wrong with heavy cream - and wait for it to get nice and hot. Drain the pasta, mix with the sauce, and eat until you are full.
Yummy Beans
You need: one can of red, black or pinto beans for every one-and-a-half hungry people, an onion, chili powder, red pepper, salt, butter or olive oil and hot sauce if you have it around. Tortillas or corn chips. All the fixin's.
How you do: Cook the onion in exactly the same way I've already described. Honestly, crunchiness is not a big problem, but the softer and clearer you can get the onion, the better it'll taste in the end. Drain a little water out of the cans of beans and throw them in with the onion. The burner should be on medium to low.
If you have a potato masher, good; if not, get a wooden spoon and start beating the hell out of the beans. Pinto and black beans will be a little bit nicer for this since they have thinner skins; red beans will require further abuse. Once you've got them good and mushy - the pot should appear to be full of a beany mash instead of individual beans - throw in all the spices. Same deal here: add spices, stir, taste. Add more spices if it doesn't taste good. Eventually, it'll taste good. Then you can eat it.
Chili
You need: All the stuff for beans, plus tomato puree and corn.
How you do: Pretend you're making beans, but leave them whole and, in a surprise maneuver, throw a bunch of tomato puree and corn in the pot too. Stir. Try it. Good yet? No? What does it need? Add it. Stir it up. Simmer a bit. Try again. Good yet? No? Repeat. Yum, yum!
Contact John Bailey at John.C.Bailey@UConn.edu.
So you've got a few small pots and a stove that you can't turn on. You can't measure quantities, and everything is metric anyway, so it's hard to even guess. What's a man to do? The answer is, as always, wing it. Wing it until it tastes good, or the wolves will get you.
Penne Alla Vodka, Sort Of
You need: Some pasta, ideally penne, but it's up to you. Half a big onion, or a whole small one. A clove or two of garlic. At least a cup of heavy cream, or more if you like delicious cream. A can of chopped tomatoes. Vodka. Red pepper. Salt. A little bit of butter or olive oil.
How you do: Chop the onion and garlic with something sharp. Smaller pieces are better, but it's only important if you hate big nasty pieces of onion, which I do. Once that's done, throw your olive oil/butter in a pot, and heat it until a tossed-in piece of onion sizzles. Dump the rest of the onions and garlic in, and put the heat on low; if the onions are starting to turn brown, it's too hot. Let the mixture cook until the onions get translucent and kind of slimy. But if they end up being crunchy, no big deal, it's cool.
At this point, you should probably make some pasta. You know how to make pasta, right?
Throw the tomatoes and vodka (about one 'glug,' or 'a couple shots,' or whatever - not a lot, you lush) in with the onions, and turn the heat it up until it's just trying to boil. Cut it back to a simmer (like, almost-boiling, just an occasional bubble). Add salt and red pepper and stir everything up. Taste it a couple times while it's simmering, and add a bit more salt or pepper if it needs it. When it tastes "good," chuck the cream in--as much as you like, really, it's impossible to go wrong with heavy cream - and wait for it to get nice and hot. Drain the pasta, mix with the sauce, and eat until you are full.
Yummy Beans
You need: one can of red, black or pinto beans for every one-and-a-half hungry people, an onion, chili powder, red pepper, salt, butter or olive oil and hot sauce if you have it around. Tortillas or corn chips. All the fixin's.
How you do: Cook the onion in exactly the same way I've already described. Honestly, crunchiness is not a big problem, but the softer and clearer you can get the onion, the better it'll taste in the end. Drain a little water out of the cans of beans and throw them in with the onion. The burner should be on medium to low.
If you have a potato masher, good; if not, get a wooden spoon and start beating the hell out of the beans. Pinto and black beans will be a little bit nicer for this since they have thinner skins; red beans will require further abuse. Once you've got them good and mushy - the pot should appear to be full of a beany mash instead of individual beans - throw in all the spices. Same deal here: add spices, stir, taste. Add more spices if it doesn't taste good. Eventually, it'll taste good. Then you can eat it.
Chili
You need: All the stuff for beans, plus tomato puree and corn.
How you do: Pretend you're making beans, but leave them whole and, in a surprise maneuver, throw a bunch of tomato puree and corn in the pot too. Stir. Try it. Good yet? No? What does it need? Add it. Stir it up. Simmer a bit. Try again. Good yet? No? Repeat. Yum, yum!
Contact John Bailey at John.C.Bailey@UConn.edu.
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