The Daily Campus

Issue date: 8/4/08 Section: Focus

Media Credit: Matt Lin A trip to the Carriage House apartments may be a big deal for some, but as it turns out, you can have a sweet time in your own dorm, too.

If you haven't already heard about Carriage through the grapevine, here's the skinny: it's a big, dumb mess. As long as the weather's relatively balmy, the Carriage House apartments are the epicenter of UConn's loudest, drunkest weekend parties. And when that first weekend scoots around the corner, you'll probably find that Carriage is the talk of the dorm. You'll almost certainly be invited, and you will have to make a choice. But is there no choice at all, really? Of course not!


Play in the woods.

There's an old saying that "the journey is the truest destination." Some guy said it. I don't know whom. He's dead now. Probably Napoleon or Teddy Roosevelt or something. But he also said this: "Carriage House is lame and you should probably check out the woods." Honestly, the path to Carriage House is a long and hard one, and besides - you think that the first night you head up there, you'll even be able to handle walking along a huge, wide concrete path?

So you know you'll end up collapsed under a tree anyway. Bring some granola bars and your best campfire stories. And a baseball bat. The ticks near Carriage are the size of cats.


Do the SU.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Good one, right? No, seriously. Compare and contrast UConn's biggest official and unofficial parties: free food vs. no food. A short jaunt from the dorm vs. a long, confusing trek through the howling Storrs tempests. People that rile you up when they're sober, let alone drunk, vs. the cute, perky news anchors on the SU TVs. Getting arrested for mooning a trooper vs. getting arrested for … I don't know, having too much fun? Work with me here, I can't hype this place alone.


Talk earnestly about weighty matters.

You opened your bags into a new world, you kissed your parents goodbye and you waved a tear-stained handkerchief as their station wagon disappeared down Route 195. You are an adult now! Never forget that. And ask yourself, would you not do the world of adulthood a grand disservice by playing the fool at those dens of debauchery? Your important business partners and research collaborators (you used to call them 'friends') are right in your dormitory. Adults do not put themselves into situations where they are liable to be clobbered by a keg stand. Adults talk about the price of gold bars and the square acreage of their corn estates. You do have corn estates, right?


Get a jump on next week's classes.

My mother always told me to set my clock five minutes early so that I'd be on time for things even when I thought I was running late. The same logic can apply to schoolwork: If you can convince yourself that all your classes are at 4 a.m. on Saturday, you'll do all that hard cram-work during the wee hours of Friday night and be totally set for next week. Then you'll be stumbling around Arjona like a zombie while the sun rises and be unable to function properly for the rest of the weekend. If your friends question your brilliant plan, remind them that "the early bird gets the worm." Next weekend, they'll be having fun and you'll be eating worms. Losers.


Hold a dorm icebreaker.

In every freshman dorm, there's always that one creepily friendly person that memorized everyone's name over the summer through Facebook and gives you a really firm handshake whenever they run into you. Eventually, they end up going on a spree of meet n' greets throughout the dorm, dragging all the other bored, socially inept people with them. Take advantage of this phenomenon: When the "I'm so lonely" train shows up at your room, invite them all in. Get squirt guns and balloons; play a creative board game; do some charades! Eventually, someone will suggest you all go to Carriage, and everyone will leave. But hey, you tried.


Get lost going to Carriage.

Nobody remembers how to get to Carriage after just one night. Maybe that's because you have to take a left out of your dorm, two more lefts, a right past the big building - no, the other big building - and then go straight past the sign, spin around twice, ask the man in the sombrero for a rope, swing across the lava pit and defeat the troll. A journey to Carriage without an expert guide will probably end with your standing in either Northwest or possibly Australia. If you've ever taken an orienteering class, you can use the opportunity to try to remember how a compass works when you're wasted. "N stands for 'Not This Way', right?"


Hold a theme party.

Everyone's seen these before at middle school dances. "80's night," "Tie-dye night," etc. Amateurs! You can do better than that. Get creative. Stupid pop culture of your childhood and European history are good party sources. Try "Phases of Madonna" party, "Your favorite British Prime Minister" party or "Everyone dress like a Tech Deck and do lip-tricks off the couch" party. At the very least, your friends will be impressed that you spend so much time thinking about this crap. Then you'll be "the loser that comes up with the parties about Presidents" instead of just "the loser." Onward and upward!


Late Night Team Sports.

You probably forgot to pack your paintball equipment, so that's out. But the nighttime is the right time for painting your faces hardcore colors (like red and blue) and tackling your new best friends down huge hills into sharp rocks. Add 'night' to any sport or game and it gets cooler: Night rugby, night capture the flag or even night bocce. Flashlight tag is only the beginning; how about Marine Flare Tag? And nobody will suspect you ducked out on the party scene, because after the fourth round of "Night kill the guy with the ball and draw a penis on his face," you'll all look wasted.


Find some astrophysics majors and build a giant black hole.

Because, honestly, you know what? That's probably the only thing that will actually keep the waves of UConn students away from Carriage on that first night. It's not even that everyone wants to get drunk, or that everyone thinks it'll be "so cool" - it's just the way things fall out. People just go so they have somewhere to go. Nobody wants to look in their mirror the next morning and say "you spent your first Friday night at college sitting by yourself." Nobody wants to be quiet and alone. And of all the words one might use to describe Carriage parties, "quiet and lonely" are not among them. So Carriage just happens, and it's hard to stop. But...


Chill out, man.

In all seriousness, Carriage is silly. There are plenty of people who aren't going, and there are plenty of people who'd be willing to do nearly anything else if you just asked them. You've just entered the big, dumb world of college and you're suddenly surrounded by thousands of new people; at least a few of them have to be interesting. While hammered at Carriage, you'll probably only remember them as "the loud stupid guy" or "the girl who fell over." So stay home. I'm not going to talk about alcohol - if it's your thing, it's your thing. I won't tell you to do anything illegal, especially if you're a freshman, because the police can smell your youth. Inviting people into your dorm room, grabbing some Ben and Jerry's and just talking about life will probably net you closer friends and some fascinating, thought-provoking conversations. Or you get unlucky and all the people around you suck, which is too bad, but it happens. Either way, it's hard to get arrested for eating ice cream. Be cool.



John.C.Bailey@UConn.edu

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools