2008 Woodie Awards
Ridiculist: The top ten fictional childhood crushes
John Bailey
Issue date: 8/29/08 Section: Focus
Tintin
Tintin was mostly great because, when we were that little, we had no idea that racism was bad. We didn't even know what racism was! We got to imagine that if we went to the Belgian Congo with all our technology, the locals would worship us as gods, too! What little kid doesn't want to be a god? Tintin was terrible, in hindsight, but at least he got to go to the moon. I love the moon. And his hair looks like a bird pooped on an egg.
Mulan
The only Disney princess to ever wield a sword also has the distinction of being the only Disney princess to make just as good a man as she does a woman. And she does them both fantastically well, so ladies? Feel free to get in on this action too. Pros: Mugged while shopping? No problem. Huns invade first date? All set. Cons: if she wants you to cook dinner, you'd better do it, at least if you'd ever like to father children.
Patti Mayonnaise
I wasted perhaps years of my life searching for a girl with the exact same soft orange skin that Patti Mayonnaise had. To make my search harder, I was also looking for a girl who, like Patti, was nice to everyone, even nerdy losers like me. But then it happened, and now we're happily together and getting married next fall! No it didn't. Who am I kidding. I'm going to die alone.
Professor Lupin
Among the Harry Potter world - a world of people you're completely supposed to have crushes on - Professor Remus Lupin stands out. He's brave, but quiet about it, he gets to date a girl with purple hair and he's a werewolf. His eyes are quietly soulful, or at least they are in my imagination. He should have hooked up with Sirius Black because that would have been so hot. Actually, he should have hooked up with me.
Aladdin
Riff-raff, street rat, I'd certainly buy that! And the hat, too. Aladdin's the perfect man: he's got style, he's got charm, he sticks up for the little guy, and hopping on a magic carpet is a fantastic way to cut class. And he's not even particularly choosy - if you're "smart," "fun" and have "hair," he'll be all over you like awesome on the Genie. He's especially perfect for those out there who are allergic to nipples.
Raja
Jasmine is boring. We all know Aladdin's only dating her for the tiger. Why did you have to walk to class today? You could have been riding a tiger. Why do you go to the dining hall? You could have had a tiger kill your roommate. Why did you fly to Florida last year? You could have put a jetpack on a tiger, and ridden a tiger to Florida.
Vegeta
Who didn't relate to Vegeta? Vegeta was a man with problems. He was short, but that never stopped him. He lost every battle all the time, but that never stopped him. He constantly exuded nothing but fury, but that never stopped him. Even as little pre-pubescent children, we envied his raw sexuality and cool white boots. I talked to a scientist yesterday, and he told me that the reason I'm nine feet tall and have a high-powered executive job is that I liked Vegeta when I was a kid. True story.
Tails
Who doesn't love a sensitive little boy? No, I mean, like, if you were also a sensitive little boy, so you could relate and identify, it was ok and not creepy. And you could fly and have Sonic take care of you like a speeding blue mother figure and totally crush on him in a really passive-aggressive way.
Sephiroth
Single-handedly responsible for all those guys with shaggy manes of long, greasy hair, Sephiroth captured the hearts, minds and funny chanting voices of millions of children when "Final Fantasy 7" was released Stateside. Incidentally, I realize that there aren't terribly many girls on this list, but I think Sephiroth counts for about 7.5.
The Beast
None of the other characters on this list either own a huge library or will save you from wolf attacks, and what else do you want in a man, really? (Stable job, not completely covered in fur … nah). If I were in a childhood production of the "Beauty and the Beast" ballet and all the other little girls wanted to be Beauty, I'd be the only little girl to volunteer to be the Beast. I'll put that on my list of things to do next time I'm a little girl.
Tintin was mostly great because, when we were that little, we had no idea that racism was bad. We didn't even know what racism was! We got to imagine that if we went to the Belgian Congo with all our technology, the locals would worship us as gods, too! What little kid doesn't want to be a god? Tintin was terrible, in hindsight, but at least he got to go to the moon. I love the moon. And his hair looks like a bird pooped on an egg.
Mulan
The only Disney princess to ever wield a sword also has the distinction of being the only Disney princess to make just as good a man as she does a woman. And she does them both fantastically well, so ladies? Feel free to get in on this action too. Pros: Mugged while shopping? No problem. Huns invade first date? All set. Cons: if she wants you to cook dinner, you'd better do it, at least if you'd ever like to father children.
Patti Mayonnaise
I wasted perhaps years of my life searching for a girl with the exact same soft orange skin that Patti Mayonnaise had. To make my search harder, I was also looking for a girl who, like Patti, was nice to everyone, even nerdy losers like me. But then it happened, and now we're happily together and getting married next fall! No it didn't. Who am I kidding. I'm going to die alone.
Professor Lupin
Among the Harry Potter world - a world of people you're completely supposed to have crushes on - Professor Remus Lupin stands out. He's brave, but quiet about it, he gets to date a girl with purple hair and he's a werewolf. His eyes are quietly soulful, or at least they are in my imagination. He should have hooked up with Sirius Black because that would have been so hot. Actually, he should have hooked up with me.
Aladdin
Riff-raff, street rat, I'd certainly buy that! And the hat, too. Aladdin's the perfect man: he's got style, he's got charm, he sticks up for the little guy, and hopping on a magic carpet is a fantastic way to cut class. And he's not even particularly choosy - if you're "smart," "fun" and have "hair," he'll be all over you like awesome on the Genie. He's especially perfect for those out there who are allergic to nipples.
Raja
Jasmine is boring. We all know Aladdin's only dating her for the tiger. Why did you have to walk to class today? You could have been riding a tiger. Why do you go to the dining hall? You could have had a tiger kill your roommate. Why did you fly to Florida last year? You could have put a jetpack on a tiger, and ridden a tiger to Florida.
Vegeta
Who didn't relate to Vegeta? Vegeta was a man with problems. He was short, but that never stopped him. He lost every battle all the time, but that never stopped him. He constantly exuded nothing but fury, but that never stopped him. Even as little pre-pubescent children, we envied his raw sexuality and cool white boots. I talked to a scientist yesterday, and he told me that the reason I'm nine feet tall and have a high-powered executive job is that I liked Vegeta when I was a kid. True story.
Tails
Who doesn't love a sensitive little boy? No, I mean, like, if you were also a sensitive little boy, so you could relate and identify, it was ok and not creepy. And you could fly and have Sonic take care of you like a speeding blue mother figure and totally crush on him in a really passive-aggressive way.
Sephiroth
Single-handedly responsible for all those guys with shaggy manes of long, greasy hair, Sephiroth captured the hearts, minds and funny chanting voices of millions of children when "Final Fantasy 7" was released Stateside. Incidentally, I realize that there aren't terribly many girls on this list, but I think Sephiroth counts for about 7.5.
The Beast
None of the other characters on this list either own a huge library or will save you from wolf attacks, and what else do you want in a man, really? (Stable job, not completely covered in fur … nah). If I were in a childhood production of the "Beauty and the Beast" ballet and all the other little girls wanted to be Beauty, I'd be the only little girl to volunteer to be the Beast. I'll put that on my list of things to do next time I'm a little girl.
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