Spring Break
Ridiculist: The worst Turkey Day dishes, ever
John Bailey
Issue date: 11/21/08 Section: Focus
An entire tree
And you thought the Tofurkey was bad. Thanksgiving dinner has been painless on the whole, until your father decides that all the four-door minivans, Starbucks lattes and instant messaging were draining the family's rugged New England heritage. And slaughtering his own pig is out, since the little sis just went veggie. So off he goes with a hacksaw and his best flannel shirt, and a few hours later, you and your closest family are sitting on the lawn outside with a fresh birch, seeing if bark gets more edible after you put it in the microwave.
Billy
The annual "little cousin hide-and-seek" tournament took a turn for the worse one year. Hopped up on sucralose and aspartame and trying to get that competitive edge, cousin Billy stumped the fam and won the gold by hiding behind the turkey. Unfortunately for Billy, the turkey was still in the oven - and in the crazed pre-meal sparring, of course, bird and boy together were forgotten. The pizza guy saved the meal, but Billy was a lost cause. It's okay - he didn't like anchovies anyway.
The original
Thanksgiving dinner
Giving thanks is a lot harder when you're forced to go without. The first Thanksgiving dinner was all about "no": no pie, no gravy, no green bean casserole and no football.
And remember to give some extra thanks this year when the inevitable political shouting matches start - at least the issues are things like "I really hope Obama's able to look past his liberal stance and reach across the aisle for change in Washington" instead of "I asked you 10 times to stop giving me diseased blankets and forcibly annexing all my land, so now I'm going to have to kill you with a spear."
Just desserts
I love pie as much as the next dude who loves pie, unless he happens to love pie more than I do.
But listen, I love pie. I love pie a lot. But without the backbone of the meal - the turkey, the stuffing, those weird little olives that nobody actually eats unless they're trying to gross out your niece - the glorious ring of pie is but a hollow tone.
Additionally, pie is comparatively low in essential vitamins and minerals. I don't think it's a long-term recipe for success. I'm open to debate on this, but I really think it's a tough case to make.
Just deserts
You're fast - you're real fast. But fast as you are, you can't outrun life forever.
You've robbed every bank from Key West to Seattle blind, and you've shot the ones that saw you - but at Thanksgiving dinner this year, there's a surprise guest: Sheriff Barleycorn has married into the family.
Before everyone gets to dig in, the pearl-handled pistols are coming out. And he's faster than you are - much faster. Better say your thanks now, pardner.
And you thought the Tofurkey was bad. Thanksgiving dinner has been painless on the whole, until your father decides that all the four-door minivans, Starbucks lattes and instant messaging were draining the family's rugged New England heritage. And slaughtering his own pig is out, since the little sis just went veggie. So off he goes with a hacksaw and his best flannel shirt, and a few hours later, you and your closest family are sitting on the lawn outside with a fresh birch, seeing if bark gets more edible after you put it in the microwave.
Billy
The annual "little cousin hide-and-seek" tournament took a turn for the worse one year. Hopped up on sucralose and aspartame and trying to get that competitive edge, cousin Billy stumped the fam and won the gold by hiding behind the turkey. Unfortunately for Billy, the turkey was still in the oven - and in the crazed pre-meal sparring, of course, bird and boy together were forgotten. The pizza guy saved the meal, but Billy was a lost cause. It's okay - he didn't like anchovies anyway.
The original
Thanksgiving dinner
Giving thanks is a lot harder when you're forced to go without. The first Thanksgiving dinner was all about "no": no pie, no gravy, no green bean casserole and no football.
And remember to give some extra thanks this year when the inevitable political shouting matches start - at least the issues are things like "I really hope Obama's able to look past his liberal stance and reach across the aisle for change in Washington" instead of "I asked you 10 times to stop giving me diseased blankets and forcibly annexing all my land, so now I'm going to have to kill you with a spear."
Just desserts
I love pie as much as the next dude who loves pie, unless he happens to love pie more than I do.
But listen, I love pie. I love pie a lot. But without the backbone of the meal - the turkey, the stuffing, those weird little olives that nobody actually eats unless they're trying to gross out your niece - the glorious ring of pie is but a hollow tone.
Additionally, pie is comparatively low in essential vitamins and minerals. I don't think it's a long-term recipe for success. I'm open to debate on this, but I really think it's a tough case to make.
Just deserts
You're fast - you're real fast. But fast as you are, you can't outrun life forever.
You've robbed every bank from Key West to Seattle blind, and you've shot the ones that saw you - but at Thanksgiving dinner this year, there's a surprise guest: Sheriff Barleycorn has married into the family.
Before everyone gets to dig in, the pearl-handled pistols are coming out. And he's faster than you are - much faster. Better say your thanks now, pardner.
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