Spring Break
Ridiculist: Unorthodox study tips
John Bailey
Issue date: 12/8/08 Section: Focus
Osmosis
So you skipped every class except basic biology. Don't stress out; remember that lesson about the magical properties of water? How it permeates everything, suffuses existence and binds the galaxy together? Take your textbooks, boil them until they dissolve, and bathe in the water once it cools. Mere hours later, you're be pruny with the wrinkles of knowledge.
Black magic
Professor's confusing? TA showed up hungover again? Get your knowledge straight from the source: the long-dead spirits of the masters of your field. Nobody teaches physics like Einstein, and nobody knows philosophy like Plato. Use caution, though, as the spirits tend to bring quirks of their lives with them: most English writers show up hammered, the ancient philosophers all speak Greek and Wagner insists that you invade Poland before he'll teach you anything.
The real reason you bought that TI-83
After high school, I had nearly no skills and could barely walk without throwing up everywhere. But I could make a ball fall through holes in platforms like a champion. It's common knowledge that anything you put on a graphing calculator becomes instantly enthralling, embedding itself indelibly into your brain. You will never forget it, and will be compelled to open that program up whenever you've got a free moment, especially if you're in class. Not sure how to put the material for your illustration final on a TI-83? Ask that kid next to you - he knows everything.
Study deadly martial arts
There's no problem I haven't been able to solve by punching. I took a karate class once, and you know, it was the best decision of my life. The karate instructor wanted me to pay him for the class though, and that was a problem, but fortunately I knew how to punch, so I just punched some money out of thin air. When my gerbil died, I punched it back from the dead. You can learn to punch, too, and then you can just punch all those difficult poststructuralist thinkers right out of history.
Play video games
How will playing video games help you on your chemical engineering final? Simple! After you sell your textbooks, buy copies of "Left 4 Dead" for you and all your friends, and play them religiously up to the minute of the final. Superman will throw through your window a brick wrapped in a sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper will be all the answers to the final. Couldn't be simpler.
So you skipped every class except basic biology. Don't stress out; remember that lesson about the magical properties of water? How it permeates everything, suffuses existence and binds the galaxy together? Take your textbooks, boil them until they dissolve, and bathe in the water once it cools. Mere hours later, you're be pruny with the wrinkles of knowledge.
Black magic
Professor's confusing? TA showed up hungover again? Get your knowledge straight from the source: the long-dead spirits of the masters of your field. Nobody teaches physics like Einstein, and nobody knows philosophy like Plato. Use caution, though, as the spirits tend to bring quirks of their lives with them: most English writers show up hammered, the ancient philosophers all speak Greek and Wagner insists that you invade Poland before he'll teach you anything.
The real reason you bought that TI-83
After high school, I had nearly no skills and could barely walk without throwing up everywhere. But I could make a ball fall through holes in platforms like a champion. It's common knowledge that anything you put on a graphing calculator becomes instantly enthralling, embedding itself indelibly into your brain. You will never forget it, and will be compelled to open that program up whenever you've got a free moment, especially if you're in class. Not sure how to put the material for your illustration final on a TI-83? Ask that kid next to you - he knows everything.
Study deadly martial arts
There's no problem I haven't been able to solve by punching. I took a karate class once, and you know, it was the best decision of my life. The karate instructor wanted me to pay him for the class though, and that was a problem, but fortunately I knew how to punch, so I just punched some money out of thin air. When my gerbil died, I punched it back from the dead. You can learn to punch, too, and then you can just punch all those difficult poststructuralist thinkers right out of history.
Play video games
How will playing video games help you on your chemical engineering final? Simple! After you sell your textbooks, buy copies of "Left 4 Dead" for you and all your friends, and play them religiously up to the minute of the final. Superman will throw through your window a brick wrapped in a sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper will be all the answers to the final. Couldn't be simpler.
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