Spring Break
The real housing how-to
John Bailey
Issue date: 2/6/09 Section: Focus
Good work, UConn! You've eliminated the housing lottery, saving hundreds of students from having to rent apartments and leave the protective, nurturing bubble of college life! Unfortunately, most of these students will probably be so cramped that they'll have to use each other's butts as pillows. I've got a better idea. Actually, I've got lots of better ideas. Wanna hear them?
Capsule Hotels
It's long been the case that the Japanese (along with apparently every other country in the world) are slapping us around in the areas of math, science, engineering and cartoon cats. Why should this be so? I'll tell you, buddy: they sleep in little tubes. Two by one by one, in meters - my rough and ready estimate suggests that we could cram an easy thousand of these into some of the larger dorms. I guess we'd call them "UTubes," assuming some other school with "university" in the name doesn't get there first.
Pillow Rooms
I propose we take the newly created "double" efficiencies and promote them to octuple efficiencies by removing all the furniture and covering the floor with big pillows. Occupants are allowed enough space for one human body, one laptop and at least one empty pizza box. Closet space would include whatever you can successfully store on your person; this will encourage creativity among majors bereft of it, like engineering or business.
Freshman Honors Barn
We've already moved the Honors kids from cushy, bathroom-equipped Shippee to the claustrophobic, bisected Buckley. Is it really much of an intuitive leap to simply throw them in with the animals? The rigorous environment would present challenges uniquely suited to the Honors student: there is a cow sleeping on my bed. How do I move the cow? Also, proven fact: Jesus Christ was born among barnyard animals.
Beds in Store24
Come on. You know this is a good idea.
Mirror Lake Boat
Kill two birds with one stone - actually, kill a whole flock of birds with one giant boat. Evict the geese from Mirror Lake and build an old-school 16th-century galleon. Students would get an automatic three-credit class in "Poop Deckswabbing," and, in the event of a Russian invasion, would be trained in the use of the cannon broadside. It'd be like the Durmstrang ship from Harry Potter, except without the magic, and everyone would probably die of scurvy.
Capsule Hotels
It's long been the case that the Japanese (along with apparently every other country in the world) are slapping us around in the areas of math, science, engineering and cartoon cats. Why should this be so? I'll tell you, buddy: they sleep in little tubes. Two by one by one, in meters - my rough and ready estimate suggests that we could cram an easy thousand of these into some of the larger dorms. I guess we'd call them "UTubes," assuming some other school with "university" in the name doesn't get there first.
Pillow Rooms
I propose we take the newly created "double" efficiencies and promote them to octuple efficiencies by removing all the furniture and covering the floor with big pillows. Occupants are allowed enough space for one human body, one laptop and at least one empty pizza box. Closet space would include whatever you can successfully store on your person; this will encourage creativity among majors bereft of it, like engineering or business.
Freshman Honors Barn
We've already moved the Honors kids from cushy, bathroom-equipped Shippee to the claustrophobic, bisected Buckley. Is it really much of an intuitive leap to simply throw them in with the animals? The rigorous environment would present challenges uniquely suited to the Honors student: there is a cow sleeping on my bed. How do I move the cow? Also, proven fact: Jesus Christ was born among barnyard animals.
Beds in Store24
Come on. You know this is a good idea.
Mirror Lake Boat
Kill two birds with one stone - actually, kill a whole flock of birds with one giant boat. Evict the geese from Mirror Lake and build an old-school 16th-century galleon. Students would get an automatic three-credit class in "Poop Deckswabbing," and, in the event of a Russian invasion, would be trained in the use of the cannon broadside. It'd be like the Durmstrang ship from Harry Potter, except without the magic, and everyone would probably die of scurvy.
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