Spring Break
Valentine's Day has me red in the face
John Bailey
Issue date: 2/11/09 Section: Focus
I hate Valentine's Day. Can you blame me? Depending on your particular misanthropy, Valentine's Day is either a commercialized greeting card non-event, or a day to commemorate your eventual lonely, unmourned death. Or, you just have to eat those sawdust candy hearts, which apparently no longer speak proper English and, instead, say things like "UR COOL D8."
Valentine's Day is such an obvious load of buffalo feces. It's just food, candy, hugs, smiles and maybe some gross drink made with grenadine. It's another excuse to have some lame party. It's a venue to show how much you care, or at least how many stuffed white Dachshunds embroidered with "I love you THIS much, Valentine!" you're willing to pay for. I hate caring.
And this year will be particularly painful - I don't know if you got the news bulletin from the Holiday Fun Office, but Valentine's Day has been upgraded. That's right, the stuffed shirts in Washington are extending the misery to a whole Valentine's Year, starting as soon as you read this. The guiding principles of Valentine's Day are in full effect from now to infinity.
"Groan!" you say. "Does this mean I have to make a conscious effort to think about special things I can do for my significant other all the time?" Yes, it does.
Frankly, I'm just as terrified as you are. My relationship is practically built on my significant other and I ignoring each other in favor of Scrubs reruns. Talk about being kicked out of my comfort zone.
What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Going for a picnic? Going to see a play? Maybe a skiing trip, or a quiet dinner at a vaguely Southeast Asian restaurant? Ugh! Can you imagine having to do that every weekend? That took, like, half an hour to think of! Thinking sucks! I hate that. This Valentine's Year thing is a terrible idea.
But it gets even worse if you're single: you have to go to even more parties. The last time I was at a Valentine's Day party, everyone was eating snacks, having drinks and talking! And some girl tried to kiss me! No, I'm not kidding, that's actually what she tried to do. I'm allergic to snacks! I'm allergic to kisses! This stupid crappy greeting card holiday isn't just a crass celebration of pointless consumerism, it causes me physical harm! Barf!
And don't get me started on the chocolate. Can you think of a worse thing to put in your mouth? No, you can't, because chocolate also shrinks your brain. True fact: every time you eat chocolate, your brain cells actually wither away like salted slugs. And now, we'll have to eat chocolate every damn day.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop. My vision's starting to go all red and foggy. I'll get back to you next week, and if I don't, it's probably because my overactive rage gland made my heart explode. Make the best of this god-awful year without me, but try not to eat the chocolate.
Valentine's Day is such an obvious load of buffalo feces. It's just food, candy, hugs, smiles and maybe some gross drink made with grenadine. It's another excuse to have some lame party. It's a venue to show how much you care, or at least how many stuffed white Dachshunds embroidered with "I love you THIS much, Valentine!" you're willing to pay for. I hate caring.
And this year will be particularly painful - I don't know if you got the news bulletin from the Holiday Fun Office, but Valentine's Day has been upgraded. That's right, the stuffed shirts in Washington are extending the misery to a whole Valentine's Year, starting as soon as you read this. The guiding principles of Valentine's Day are in full effect from now to infinity.
"Groan!" you say. "Does this mean I have to make a conscious effort to think about special things I can do for my significant other all the time?" Yes, it does.
Frankly, I'm just as terrified as you are. My relationship is practically built on my significant other and I ignoring each other in favor of Scrubs reruns. Talk about being kicked out of my comfort zone.
What are you doing for Valentine's Day? Going for a picnic? Going to see a play? Maybe a skiing trip, or a quiet dinner at a vaguely Southeast Asian restaurant? Ugh! Can you imagine having to do that every weekend? That took, like, half an hour to think of! Thinking sucks! I hate that. This Valentine's Year thing is a terrible idea.
But it gets even worse if you're single: you have to go to even more parties. The last time I was at a Valentine's Day party, everyone was eating snacks, having drinks and talking! And some girl tried to kiss me! No, I'm not kidding, that's actually what she tried to do. I'm allergic to snacks! I'm allergic to kisses! This stupid crappy greeting card holiday isn't just a crass celebration of pointless consumerism, it causes me physical harm! Barf!
And don't get me started on the chocolate. Can you think of a worse thing to put in your mouth? No, you can't, because chocolate also shrinks your brain. True fact: every time you eat chocolate, your brain cells actually wither away like salted slugs. And now, we'll have to eat chocolate every damn day.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop. My vision's starting to go all red and foggy. I'll get back to you next week, and if I don't, it's probably because my overactive rage gland made my heart explode. Make the best of this god-awful year without me, but try not to eat the chocolate.
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