Spring Break
Swimmer's fall from grace is good for Kellogg's
Bryan Murphy
Issue date: 2/12/09 Section: Commentary
The Michael Phelps controversy is entirely remarkable. That a famous and wealthy young man would choose to indulge in recreational drug use is, of course, unprecedented and unforgivable - yet while the weak-willed Phelps has consigned himself to the teeming dustbin of dishonored druggies, the American people have shown themselves to be of sterner stuff. As our country teeters on the brink of (further) economic catastrophe and unprecedented socialism, it is truly admirable that our nation is still soldiering onward with their indomitable celebrity cravings. The British stiff upper lip has nothing at all on the American lower mind!
Yet, despite the sadness we all feel over Phelps' fall from grace, the Kellogg Company's actions herein are a bright spot in a dark time. There is much to be admired in the way that the company immediately dropped Phelps' endorsements and stonewalled the sorry 23-year-old, refusing to answer his calls. When pressed for comment, the Cornflake Co. simply said, "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg." Of course, Kelloggs had endorsed Phelps despite his previous arrest for drunk driving, but that, naturally, was consistent with the company's image. Though, I admit I find it strange, if there were any company that would heartily endorse the act of acquiring the munchies, one would think it to be Kellogg's, the lucrative Lucifer of nutrition and the fallen angel of fortified foods!
But perhaps the munchie-manufacturer's stand against the evils of marijuana is a promising sign of change. The firm's sternness is, after all, only a return to its roots. It is truly sobering to consider the rise and fall of the Kellogg Company - and so perhaps Phelps should try it, particularly before going for a drive.
The Kellogg Company was the outgrowth of the Sanitas Food Company, founded in 1897 by the devout John Harvey Kellogg, the renown operator of the Michigan-based Battle Creek Sanitarium. Kellogg devoted his efforts, and those of his Sanitarium, to righting the wrongs of the world through healthy action and a wholesome diet. Kellogg perceived that most of ills, psychological and physical, were due to poor habits, and he knew that he had the answers. For example, the cause of a lingering malaise was surely the festering swamp of intestinal flora to be found in the intestines of those gluttons who chose to indulge in sweet, salty, spicy, peppery, fatty, vinegary, mustard-laden or cinnamon-spiced foods. His answer was, naturally, the replacement of such ill flora through the comprehensive application of healthful, microbiotic yogurt to the sufferers' intestines from the top-down, via oral consumption, and the bottom-up, via viscous enema.
Yet, despite the sadness we all feel over Phelps' fall from grace, the Kellogg Company's actions herein are a bright spot in a dark time. There is much to be admired in the way that the company immediately dropped Phelps' endorsements and stonewalled the sorry 23-year-old, refusing to answer his calls. When pressed for comment, the Cornflake Co. simply said, "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg." Of course, Kelloggs had endorsed Phelps despite his previous arrest for drunk driving, but that, naturally, was consistent with the company's image. Though, I admit I find it strange, if there were any company that would heartily endorse the act of acquiring the munchies, one would think it to be Kellogg's, the lucrative Lucifer of nutrition and the fallen angel of fortified foods!
But perhaps the munchie-manufacturer's stand against the evils of marijuana is a promising sign of change. The firm's sternness is, after all, only a return to its roots. It is truly sobering to consider the rise and fall of the Kellogg Company - and so perhaps Phelps should try it, particularly before going for a drive.
The Kellogg Company was the outgrowth of the Sanitas Food Company, founded in 1897 by the devout John Harvey Kellogg, the renown operator of the Michigan-based Battle Creek Sanitarium. Kellogg devoted his efforts, and those of his Sanitarium, to righting the wrongs of the world through healthy action and a wholesome diet. Kellogg perceived that most of ills, psychological and physical, were due to poor habits, and he knew that he had the answers. For example, the cause of a lingering malaise was surely the festering swamp of intestinal flora to be found in the intestines of those gluttons who chose to indulge in sweet, salty, spicy, peppery, fatty, vinegary, mustard-laden or cinnamon-spiced foods. His answer was, naturally, the replacement of such ill flora through the comprehensive application of healthful, microbiotic yogurt to the sufferers' intestines from the top-down, via oral consumption, and the bottom-up, via viscous enema.
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Tired
posted 2/12/09 @ 11:14 AM EST
This was much better and far less pretentious when I saw it on SNL's weekend update.
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