Spring Break
Valentine's Day can always get worse
John Bailey
Issue date: 2/13/09 Section: Focus
If you don't have a valentine tomorrow, don't fret and frown. Imagine how bad your Valentine's Day could be! All over the world, people are having Valentine's Days far more terrible than yours, especially if they live in underdeveloped nations and haven't had a nutritious meal in weeks. Imagine the horrible possibilities:
The pity of your parents
"Hi, honey. Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, thanks, dearie, we're fine, but are you all right? You sound sad. What? Nobody wants to be your valentine? Honey, that's horrible! No, it's OK, I never had a valentine in college either. You know what? Your father and I - we'll come up today. We'll bring up Life! Your favorite, right? We'll buy the little house, and drive the little car, and get married to the little pink ... oh, right. Right, sorry, honey. OOK, see you soon! We'll bring cookies for your friends!"
Too many valentines
Billy and Biffy and Millie and Tiffy and Robby and ... Flobby! And they all want to be your Valentine! How lovely! Now, form one line, please, no pushing - leave the conversation hearts in the tin by the door - thank you, yes, thank you, thank you, no, you, not him - how nice, what a lovely flower - I said one line! - oh, the begonias, now you've done it - oh my god, you all brought your dogs - that's no ordinary flower! It's a Venus Nuclear Deathtrap! Back! Get back! I've got a gun!
Tar pits
Yes, the February spring brings a generous bounty - a balmy, if brief, loosening of winter's clenched ice-fist. But while your young body thrills to the unexpected warmth, your young feet will tremble and slip at the unexpected mud. Snow melts to water, water mixes with dirt and turns to mud, and through some unknown chemical process mud sometimes turns to tar pits. Then, on your way to visit your blushing lover, you fall in the tar pits. We have yet to learn the lessons of the dinosaurs.
Your lover is the Beast
Suddenly, your effete, wispy paramour is transformed into an enormous, sinewy, muscular, imposing figure of manly... wait, hey -
The pity of your parents
"Hi, honey. Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, thanks, dearie, we're fine, but are you all right? You sound sad. What? Nobody wants to be your valentine? Honey, that's horrible! No, it's OK, I never had a valentine in college either. You know what? Your father and I - we'll come up today. We'll bring up Life! Your favorite, right? We'll buy the little house, and drive the little car, and get married to the little pink ... oh, right. Right, sorry, honey. OOK, see you soon! We'll bring cookies for your friends!"
Too many valentines
Billy and Biffy and Millie and Tiffy and Robby and ... Flobby! And they all want to be your Valentine! How lovely! Now, form one line, please, no pushing - leave the conversation hearts in the tin by the door - thank you, yes, thank you, thank you, no, you, not him - how nice, what a lovely flower - I said one line! - oh, the begonias, now you've done it - oh my god, you all brought your dogs - that's no ordinary flower! It's a Venus Nuclear Deathtrap! Back! Get back! I've got a gun!
Tar pits
Yes, the February spring brings a generous bounty - a balmy, if brief, loosening of winter's clenched ice-fist. But while your young body thrills to the unexpected warmth, your young feet will tremble and slip at the unexpected mud. Snow melts to water, water mixes with dirt and turns to mud, and through some unknown chemical process mud sometimes turns to tar pits. Then, on your way to visit your blushing lover, you fall in the tar pits. We have yet to learn the lessons of the dinosaurs.
Your lover is the Beast
Suddenly, your effete, wispy paramour is transformed into an enormous, sinewy, muscular, imposing figure of manly... wait, hey -
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