Spring Break
The guide to the gym for people who don't really go to the gym
John Bailey
Issue date: 3/4/09 Section: Focus
I'm not perfect. I get nightmares sometimes.
"Bulls---!" you cry. "Your heart is ever-steely!"
I know, it's weird. But even men of pure iron have their secret fears. You might be afraid of being robbed, you might not like very large dogs, maybe you're leery of certain death. Me, I'm scared of the gym - or at least I was scared of the gym, until I traveled to the future and read this "Gym Guide for People Who Are Afraid of the Gym" article I'm about to write.
Now, I'm a gym god. Maybe you've noticed me around campus; I'm the guy who keeps picking up the Apartment Shuttle and throwing it across Mirror Lake.
Want to be like me, but never touched a treadmill in your life? Terrified of all the huge men with biceps the size of mastodons? Afraid you're allergic to sweat? Get ready, dude: your fear is about to be drop-kicked through your mental drywall.
Schedule strictly
Don't go to the gym every day. It's tough to do, and even if you manage it, you won't have the energy to really enjoy your newly Atlantean body. Do go to the gym every [blank], where [blank] is some set day and time every week. Even if you just go on Friday afternoon to warm up your forearms for keg stands, you need to stick to your schedule.
"Once you start skipping one day, skipping the next day is a lot easier," said Dan Emmons, a 6th-semester electrical engineering major. "Then, eventually, you skip two days, then three days, and then you're back to your lazy old self."
Did you know that the willpower is the largest muscle in the human body? Mine is, at least, and that's because I went to the gym, I did my three sets of 10 water-fountain bends, and I did it every week.
Once you're able to make the cross-campus trek with a little regularity, take the next step: bring a notebook or a piece of paper, and write down goals, records and motivational sayings. "Arm curl: 30 lbs. Treadmill: 1 mile. Don't get mad, get even!"
"Bulls---!" you cry. "Your heart is ever-steely!"
I know, it's weird. But even men of pure iron have their secret fears. You might be afraid of being robbed, you might not like very large dogs, maybe you're leery of certain death. Me, I'm scared of the gym - or at least I was scared of the gym, until I traveled to the future and read this "Gym Guide for People Who Are Afraid of the Gym" article I'm about to write.
Now, I'm a gym god. Maybe you've noticed me around campus; I'm the guy who keeps picking up the Apartment Shuttle and throwing it across Mirror Lake.
Want to be like me, but never touched a treadmill in your life? Terrified of all the huge men with biceps the size of mastodons? Afraid you're allergic to sweat? Get ready, dude: your fear is about to be drop-kicked through your mental drywall.
Schedule strictly
Don't go to the gym every day. It's tough to do, and even if you manage it, you won't have the energy to really enjoy your newly Atlantean body. Do go to the gym every [blank], where [blank] is some set day and time every week. Even if you just go on Friday afternoon to warm up your forearms for keg stands, you need to stick to your schedule.
"Once you start skipping one day, skipping the next day is a lot easier," said Dan Emmons, a 6th-semester electrical engineering major. "Then, eventually, you skip two days, then three days, and then you're back to your lazy old self."
Did you know that the willpower is the largest muscle in the human body? Mine is, at least, and that's because I went to the gym, I did my three sets of 10 water-fountain bends, and I did it every week.
Once you're able to make the cross-campus trek with a little regularity, take the next step: bring a notebook or a piece of paper, and write down goals, records and motivational sayings. "Arm curl: 30 lbs. Treadmill: 1 mile. Don't get mad, get even!"
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