Spring Break
Boring Friday? Think challocentric
John Bailey
Issue date: 3/27/09 Section: Focus
Our culture likes the penis. If you took our collective societal unconscious, strapped it down in a psychoanalyst's chair and waved a Rorschach test in its face, it would probably say "Penis-penis-penis-penis-penis." If a cigarette ignites a cushion in a movie theater, our culture yells "Penis!" before fleeing the building.
Notice, for example, that we talk about the Space Shuttle launch - we never refer, for example, to "NASA's last planned disruption of the air surrounding Cape Canaveral."
And notice how all of Shakespeare's most famous works are actually anagrams of "penis." Uncanny!
So, in honor of the cultural vaginas we never talk about, the RidicuList is compiling a list of cultural vaginas we never talk about. Technically, these are called challic objects. Class is now in session!
Plato's Cave
The Allegory of the Cave, as it's known by the people you try to avoid eye contact with at lunch, is a story by Plato about men who are chained up inside a cave.
It sounds like pretty elementary S&M to me, but philosophers insisted it was about "knowledge," "existence" and "reality."
Maybe if the philosophers could see beyond their own terrifying, engorged members, they'd realize that the cave is really a big vagina.
The Holy Grail
The - dare we say it - holy grail of challic objects is, fittingly, a chalice. A vessel. A thing which receives other things. Also fittingly, it spends most of its life being chased around by a bunch of angry men with extremely long, pointy and firm swords.
Classically, the grail could only be achieved by those knights who had already achieved the peak of honor by disciplining themselves physically, spiritually and mentally. If only, right?
Charybdis
It's pretty clear that Charybdis, who is a big, wet, swirly hole in the ocean that grabs otherwise strong men like Odysseus and carries them to a watery death, is a stand-in for a c--t, p---y, c---y or t--t.
Also, in a deleted scene from Homer's original "Odyssey," one of Odysseus' crew members yells "???????!" which is Ancient Dead Guy for "Holy Zeus! A giant vagina!"
Not language, incidentally
Does anyone else find it strange that I can say wang, willy, johnson, dong, schlong, weiner and dork, but I can't think of a single acceptable euphemism for the female genitals in the preceding paragraph without quoting large parts of "The Vagina Monologues?" Language is the patriarchy.
The space surrounding the Washington Monument
Work with me, here, work with me. C'mon.
Not the Internet, either
An interesting side note: if you attempt to discover the realm beyond our cultural penis obsession, the Internet will not be able to help you.
If you attempt a Google search for "challic objects," Google turns red in the face, develops a severe coughing fit, and asks if you meant to search for "phallic objects." Google is the patriarchy.
Notice, for example, that we talk about the Space Shuttle launch - we never refer, for example, to "NASA's last planned disruption of the air surrounding Cape Canaveral."
And notice how all of Shakespeare's most famous works are actually anagrams of "penis." Uncanny!
So, in honor of the cultural vaginas we never talk about, the RidicuList is compiling a list of cultural vaginas we never talk about. Technically, these are called challic objects. Class is now in session!
Plato's Cave
The Allegory of the Cave, as it's known by the people you try to avoid eye contact with at lunch, is a story by Plato about men who are chained up inside a cave.
It sounds like pretty elementary S&M to me, but philosophers insisted it was about "knowledge," "existence" and "reality."
Maybe if the philosophers could see beyond their own terrifying, engorged members, they'd realize that the cave is really a big vagina.
The Holy Grail
The - dare we say it - holy grail of challic objects is, fittingly, a chalice. A vessel. A thing which receives other things. Also fittingly, it spends most of its life being chased around by a bunch of angry men with extremely long, pointy and firm swords.
Classically, the grail could only be achieved by those knights who had already achieved the peak of honor by disciplining themselves physically, spiritually and mentally. If only, right?
Charybdis
It's pretty clear that Charybdis, who is a big, wet, swirly hole in the ocean that grabs otherwise strong men like Odysseus and carries them to a watery death, is a stand-in for a c--t, p---y, c---y or t--t.
Also, in a deleted scene from Homer's original "Odyssey," one of Odysseus' crew members yells "???????!" which is Ancient Dead Guy for "Holy Zeus! A giant vagina!"
Not language, incidentally
Does anyone else find it strange that I can say wang, willy, johnson, dong, schlong, weiner and dork, but I can't think of a single acceptable euphemism for the female genitals in the preceding paragraph without quoting large parts of "The Vagina Monologues?" Language is the patriarchy.
The space surrounding the Washington Monument
Work with me, here, work with me. C'mon.
Not the Internet, either
An interesting side note: if you attempt to discover the realm beyond our cultural penis obsession, the Internet will not be able to help you.
If you attempt a Google search for "challic objects," Google turns red in the face, develops a severe coughing fit, and asks if you meant to search for "phallic objects." Google is the patriarchy.
Be the first to comment on this story