Spring Break
Ridiculist: This is why I'm late
John Bailey
Issue date: 4/3/09 Section: Focus
I'm always late for class. I love learning, I love all of my professors and I'm not allergic to doorways. So why am I late? What could possibly stand between me and the ivory arches of learning? I'm going to think about this. I'm going to think about it out loud, and at the same time, I'm going to think about it on-page, so those of you who aren't sitting behind me can know what's up.
Slip n' Slide
Freshmen might not know about this, but somewhere on campus - it's between Arjona and CLAS - there is a secret bonus hall where they keep a 300-meter long Slip n' Slide.
It was originally installed by Hogan as a way to get to class quickly on hot days, but if you've ever actually been on a Slip n' Slide, you know that any time saved in your watery blitz is more than wasted in the infirmary, having your butchered chest repaired. Ow.
I've spurned the
gods of causality
Yeah, so what? I roll snake eyes like I was flipping flapjacks. I take that toast, chuck it off the breakfast table all day, and it lands butter side up every time. When I call a fair coin in the air, I'm always right, and then a roll of $100 bills lands in my pocket. I am lucky.
So I guess it's only to be expected that cosmic karma gets me back sometimes. I guess it's no surprise that my bus is always late, and every driver on the road has a personal vendetta against my haircut, and there are five people in a polyamorous relationship holding hands in a big daisy-chain across every single sidewalk I try to use, and they walk very very slowly.
My dog ate the lecture hall
"Why did your dog eat the lecture hall?" "I don't know, Professor, he's my dog. He's really weird." "I don't think your dog actually at the lecture hall, Susie. I'm calling your parents, and I'm going to tell them that their daughter lies in class." "My dog ate my parents, too."
My brain is huge
My brain is huge. So huge, in fact, that after waking up, I need to spend a few minutes delegating mental "to-do" lists to my various mountains of cortical mush. I have one chunk that handles schoolwork, I have another that finds ways to improve the efficiency of Chinese coal-burning technology. One craggy lump deals specifically with the bank accounts of people surnamed "Willoughsby" in Sussex. It takes upwards of an hour sometimes, because the electrical signals need to traverse an area roughly the size of Antarctica, and it happens every morning.
No clean underwear
Also, both my legs are broken
Slip n' Slide
Freshmen might not know about this, but somewhere on campus - it's between Arjona and CLAS - there is a secret bonus hall where they keep a 300-meter long Slip n' Slide.
It was originally installed by Hogan as a way to get to class quickly on hot days, but if you've ever actually been on a Slip n' Slide, you know that any time saved in your watery blitz is more than wasted in the infirmary, having your butchered chest repaired. Ow.
I've spurned the
gods of causality
Yeah, so what? I roll snake eyes like I was flipping flapjacks. I take that toast, chuck it off the breakfast table all day, and it lands butter side up every time. When I call a fair coin in the air, I'm always right, and then a roll of $100 bills lands in my pocket. I am lucky.
So I guess it's only to be expected that cosmic karma gets me back sometimes. I guess it's no surprise that my bus is always late, and every driver on the road has a personal vendetta against my haircut, and there are five people in a polyamorous relationship holding hands in a big daisy-chain across every single sidewalk I try to use, and they walk very very slowly.
My dog ate the lecture hall
"Why did your dog eat the lecture hall?" "I don't know, Professor, he's my dog. He's really weird." "I don't think your dog actually at the lecture hall, Susie. I'm calling your parents, and I'm going to tell them that their daughter lies in class." "My dog ate my parents, too."
My brain is huge
My brain is huge. So huge, in fact, that after waking up, I need to spend a few minutes delegating mental "to-do" lists to my various mountains of cortical mush. I have one chunk that handles schoolwork, I have another that finds ways to improve the efficiency of Chinese coal-burning technology. One craggy lump deals specifically with the bank accounts of people surnamed "Willoughsby" in Sussex. It takes upwards of an hour sometimes, because the electrical signals need to traverse an area roughly the size of Antarctica, and it happens every morning.
No clean underwear
Also, both my legs are broken
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