Spring Break
Certain females are worth drooling over
Brenna Harvey
Issue date: 4/8/09 Section: Focus
Hey! Hey you, put down that issue of Playboy! Implants aren't sexy, and neither is airbrushing. And take down that swimsuit calendar you've got up over there. You are totally creating an unrealistic standard of female beauty, you jerk. And what's that I hear in the other room? Is that porn? It is! Don't you know how many women are forced into the porn industry by poverty only to be exploited and traumatized by manipulative managers? Shame! Shame on you!
Hey, hey now, don't cry. What's that? You don't want to be a sexist pig, but you have all these secret, tight, sweaty feelings that you just can't help? Well cheer up, tiger. Sexy feelings are fine and natural. You can feel free to get all hot and bothered with lusty feelings, and still treat women with the dignity and admiration they deserve. The trick is to mix your crushes with a healthy dose of respect, and to appreciate women not just for their jiggly bits, but for their strength, their talents and their accomplishments, too!
Need some help? To get you started, here are some ladies that it is totally acceptable to drool over.
Elizabeth Bennett
"Pride and Prejudice"
Regency England still hasn't recovered from this fiery hellcat.
"Dear me, Miss Bennett," asks the snooty duchess. "But can you play the pianoforte? Are you accomplished with needlework? How is your Latin?"
"Man, lady, when was the last time you got laid? Y'all can just f--- off, I'm gonna go read like 10 books and then run around in the mud. Peace."
Then she mocked Mr. Darcy with a cutting remark and he had to make a polite excuse to go change his pants.
Starbuck
"Battlestar Galactica"
The best pilot in the colonial fleet, Starbuck uses her intense military mojo to protect humanity from evil spacefaring robots. In her spare time she likes to get in bar fights and do pushups in nothing but a sports bra. If you're looking for someone who can beat you to a bloody pulp and make you like it, Starbuck is your girl. One time, an enemy robot shot down her ship, so she ripped out its brain, climbed inside, and used its ravaged husk to fly back home. I have watched that episode 67 times.
Hey, hey now, don't cry. What's that? You don't want to be a sexist pig, but you have all these secret, tight, sweaty feelings that you just can't help? Well cheer up, tiger. Sexy feelings are fine and natural. You can feel free to get all hot and bothered with lusty feelings, and still treat women with the dignity and admiration they deserve. The trick is to mix your crushes with a healthy dose of respect, and to appreciate women not just for their jiggly bits, but for their strength, their talents and their accomplishments, too!
Need some help? To get you started, here are some ladies that it is totally acceptable to drool over.
Elizabeth Bennett
"Pride and Prejudice"
Regency England still hasn't recovered from this fiery hellcat.
"Dear me, Miss Bennett," asks the snooty duchess. "But can you play the pianoforte? Are you accomplished with needlework? How is your Latin?"
"Man, lady, when was the last time you got laid? Y'all can just f--- off, I'm gonna go read like 10 books and then run around in the mud. Peace."
Then she mocked Mr. Darcy with a cutting remark and he had to make a polite excuse to go change his pants.
Starbuck
"Battlestar Galactica"
The best pilot in the colonial fleet, Starbuck uses her intense military mojo to protect humanity from evil spacefaring robots. In her spare time she likes to get in bar fights and do pushups in nothing but a sports bra. If you're looking for someone who can beat you to a bloody pulp and make you like it, Starbuck is your girl. One time, an enemy robot shot down her ship, so she ripped out its brain, climbed inside, and used its ravaged husk to fly back home. I have watched that episode 67 times.
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