Spring Break
Flash: RidicuList defeats Truman
Travis Moore
Issue date: 4/17/09 Section: Focus
The USG elections are back with a furor that has caught campus in an epidemic of political hay fever. Inspiring? Absolutely.
But it's all for naught, dear citizens. Those fat-cats in office aren't going to do squat about the issues that really matter to the student body, and believe me, I feel your pain.
I'd like to take this opportunity, a day after the polls have closed, to announce my own candidacy for the office of USG president. Having distilled the collective student experience to a bubbling nectar of college wisdom, I present to you my goals as emperor of UConn.
Heavier monitoring for "The Lonely Island" references in the InstantDaily
Remember that witty (but sort of racist) thing your tipsy roommate said that you submitted to the InstantDaily when he fell asleep, certain that you were a shoo-in and that he'd forget having said it in the first place? Yeah? Guess you should have added that those Japanese schoolgirls were on a boat, because some Samberg-worshipping hack totally swiped your spot. It isn't right. It isn't fair, and if you elect me, I will beat up the person responsible. I will beat up anybody you want me to.
The SSU ("Senior Student Union")
It's the strangest occurrence in nature: every time there's a game in Gampel, the cast of "Grumpy Old Men" mysteriously decides to hold their reunion in the Student Union food court. I'm not one to try and explain phenomena that are best left to God, but really, all you wanted was some pizza and now you have to wash your clothes just to get rid of the moth ball and plastic furniture cover smell. I propose a new food court for our elderly visitors consisting only of Hometown Buffets and located 10 miles from campus. You're welcome.
Casting Hasheem Thabeet as Hagrid in the next Harry Potter movie
Jordan got "Space Jam," Shaq got "Kazaam," and I'm pretty sure both made a killing at Cannes. It's only fair that Thabeet be given his shot at thespianism, as nature intended.
But it's all for naught, dear citizens. Those fat-cats in office aren't going to do squat about the issues that really matter to the student body, and believe me, I feel your pain.
I'd like to take this opportunity, a day after the polls have closed, to announce my own candidacy for the office of USG president. Having distilled the collective student experience to a bubbling nectar of college wisdom, I present to you my goals as emperor of UConn.
Heavier monitoring for "The Lonely Island" references in the InstantDaily
Remember that witty (but sort of racist) thing your tipsy roommate said that you submitted to the InstantDaily when he fell asleep, certain that you were a shoo-in and that he'd forget having said it in the first place? Yeah? Guess you should have added that those Japanese schoolgirls were on a boat, because some Samberg-worshipping hack totally swiped your spot. It isn't right. It isn't fair, and if you elect me, I will beat up the person responsible. I will beat up anybody you want me to.
The SSU ("Senior Student Union")
It's the strangest occurrence in nature: every time there's a game in Gampel, the cast of "Grumpy Old Men" mysteriously decides to hold their reunion in the Student Union food court. I'm not one to try and explain phenomena that are best left to God, but really, all you wanted was some pizza and now you have to wash your clothes just to get rid of the moth ball and plastic furniture cover smell. I propose a new food court for our elderly visitors consisting only of Hometown Buffets and located 10 miles from campus. You're welcome.
Casting Hasheem Thabeet as Hagrid in the next Harry Potter movie
Jordan got "Space Jam," Shaq got "Kazaam," and I'm pretty sure both made a killing at Cannes. It's only fair that Thabeet be given his shot at thespianism, as nature intended.
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