Spring Break
On Spring Weekend, friendly fire is anything but
John Bailey
Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Focus
You should not burn anything during Spring Weekend. Fire is like a witch that kills as it lies. There is a reason dogs fear fire; this is because they have not tumbled into the pit of humanity, and their eyes see not our follies of power and state.
But there are things in particular that you should not burn. You should not burn these things above all else. Understand me, for my time is short: heed this. I would not lie to you. As you pour amber potions through the thirsting three-day hourglass, let my counsel be a bulwark. Do not burn these things.
Keystone 30-pack
The weathermen have spun more deceit. They claim that Spring Weekend will be a balmy 80, without hailstones. Listen to me: Spring Weekend will be frigid. You might try burning Keystone, seeing it in such overflowing abundance. This is wrong. Let me tell you the story of the coldest Spring Weekend ever. There were three UConn students, and they were at the North Pole, and they tried to burn a 30-pack for warmth, and then they got hit by an asteroid. They were dinosaurs, and this is how the dinosaurs died. Don't be like them.
Arjona
You can kill my friends, and you can trample my flags and you can tear open the flesh of cloven-hoofed animals beneath my marble idols, but you will never desecrate my most sacred place. When the Redcoats chased George Washington to the feet of the Statue of Liberty, Washington turned and planted his boots in the soil. He set his jaw, and he said "No. This is where I stand. This is where you fall." He said this last part to the Redcoats, not to his own men. Anyway, George Washington's courageous last stand at the Statue of Liberty is exactly the sort of thing I'm planning on doing if you try to burn Arjona down. Bring it, suckers.
Mike Hogan
Seven score upon seven score number the years since the Ivory Lords defeated Michael Hogan, casting him from the Sinning Spire unto the Emberwild. They bound the demon lord hand and foot, with broad chains and powerful magic, and so a great blight upon the land was displaced and removed and sequestered in a fleshy, human president of the University. And were those chains to ignite, were the fire to again land on their iron links, the spell-metal would melt and the power would crumble and the demon would return.
But there are things in particular that you should not burn. You should not burn these things above all else. Understand me, for my time is short: heed this. I would not lie to you. As you pour amber potions through the thirsting three-day hourglass, let my counsel be a bulwark. Do not burn these things.
Keystone 30-pack
The weathermen have spun more deceit. They claim that Spring Weekend will be a balmy 80, without hailstones. Listen to me: Spring Weekend will be frigid. You might try burning Keystone, seeing it in such overflowing abundance. This is wrong. Let me tell you the story of the coldest Spring Weekend ever. There were three UConn students, and they were at the North Pole, and they tried to burn a 30-pack for warmth, and then they got hit by an asteroid. They were dinosaurs, and this is how the dinosaurs died. Don't be like them.
Arjona
You can kill my friends, and you can trample my flags and you can tear open the flesh of cloven-hoofed animals beneath my marble idols, but you will never desecrate my most sacred place. When the Redcoats chased George Washington to the feet of the Statue of Liberty, Washington turned and planted his boots in the soil. He set his jaw, and he said "No. This is where I stand. This is where you fall." He said this last part to the Redcoats, not to his own men. Anyway, George Washington's courageous last stand at the Statue of Liberty is exactly the sort of thing I'm planning on doing if you try to burn Arjona down. Bring it, suckers.
Mike Hogan
Seven score upon seven score number the years since the Ivory Lords defeated Michael Hogan, casting him from the Sinning Spire unto the Emberwild. They bound the demon lord hand and foot, with broad chains and powerful magic, and so a great blight upon the land was displaced and removed and sequestered in a fleshy, human president of the University. And were those chains to ignite, were the fire to again land on their iron links, the spell-metal would melt and the power would crumble and the demon would return.
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