The Daily Campus

Issue date: 5/10/09 Section: Focus

Media Credit: Matt Lin The Benton Museum of Art is one of the first places to stop on your campus blitz.

Media Credit: Matt Lin Need to pay your fee bill before you graduate? Stop by Wilbur Cross to take care of last-minute things.

Try as you might to prepare yourself for them, your final moments on the UConn campus are likely to be shocking, bittersweet, maybe even painful. After saying goodbye to the friends you've made, you turn to pass boldly into that wild unknown, taking in one last deep breath of the sweet spring air for posterity as you go. This place has been good to you. You're ready to let it go, though, confident that you've done all you could with the time you had.

Actually, you couldn't be more wrong about that. It's been scientifically proven that everybody in your graduating class has had more fun here than you, and you alone. Tough break. Get in the Subaru, chump; mom's waiting.

But wait! You can't leave yet! So much is unfinished! You ask mom to keep the car running while you take care of some business. You have fifteen minutes, but to your tremendous fortune, you also have me, and I'll make a Husky out of you yet.

Start at the Jonathan statue by Gampel Pavilion. Rub his nose for the last time. It's supposed to be good luck, and it's a campus tradition. You're not too cool for that. Do it. I'll look away.

Now that all of your future endeavors are guaranteed to be a resounding success, drink to your future with a few pints at the Thirsty Dog (if you are somehow graduating and are under 21, take this time to have some juice and take a nap, or whatever it is you guys do).

Uh-oh. Your fifteen minutes are way past up. You'd better do it double-time from here on. Get a move on, and try not to trip over your own feet.

If you never have rushed a fraternity and sorority, head over to Husky Village. You can speed up that pesky "initiation process" if you eat a whole onion and smear your clothes in mustard, then quietly sneak into one of their bathrooms and start cleaning it with the nearest toothbrush. When they discover you there, reeking, covered in mustard and feverishly scrubbing their toilets, they'll be totally impressed by your dedication and initiate you on the spot. Cool!

Head back past Ratcliffe Hicks, where they show the livestock. What's that you say? You've never shown a cow? Man, do you ever stop disappointing me. If the auction hasn't started, ask if you can volunteer. If it has started, ask if you can at least pet one of the cows. If they refuse, politely ask where the cow entrance is. You know what to do.

Afterward, book it to the Benton Museum of Art and stare at each work on display like you understand it. Feeling cultured? Good, because you look like Nick Nolte. And you still smell from your initiation.

After a refreshing wade through Mirror Lake, you have time for one last trip to Wilbur Cross. Once there, go to the Bursar's office to engage in the cherished UConn tradition called "making a payment to Travis Moore's fee bill."

Just who was Travis Moore? Nobody knows, nor is it known just how he got that ticket from Parking Services. Better to just respect tradition for tradition's sake and head back to the Jonathan statue, where your adventure began.

The ride home is quiet but thoughtful. You can now look to the future with confidence and upon the past with fondness. Congratulations: you are a true Husky.

Now roll down the window before you stink up the whole car.

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